360 Degrees

 The enemy does not play by your rulebook. The enemy will not pursue you where you are strongest, or where you are most prepared. Indeed the enemy is cunning, and defeat often is not anticipated but only realized after the thing is done. There is nothing finer than the point of a needle, but when it has made a hole, it draws all the thread after it. A small leak will sink a great ship. 

Look at the picture below.. Do you see it? Where do you think my Marine expects the enemy to be?

The concealment is objectively good; however, he expects the enemy to be where it is most convenient for him, directly at his front. 

Now look at the same position from a different angle. Where do you think my Marine did NOT expect the enemy to be? 

We tend to do a great job of protecting our front. This Marine had excellent vegetation on his torso, head, rifle, optic, and tripod. If the enemy was confined to his front I'm confident he would not have been compromised - he would have been able to take his shot and exfiltrate. He would have been able to impose his will on whoever was downrange of him. 

But there is no guarantee the enemy will be confined to a position most advantageous to us. His lack of concealment from his flank would have gotten him compromised if only one patrol passed his position. 

Don't get comfortable or complacent. When you do, the fatal blow is close at hand. Do not cut corners and always remember the enemy gets a vote. 

The 2x6 Man

 I loved the chapter titled "Two by Six" in Doug Wilson's book "How to Exasperate Your Wife". I want to share a couple of highlights from the chapter and add some additional comments. 

When building a house, 2x6s are normally used to construct both interior and exterior walls and provide the essential structural stability of the building. Speaking specifically of the exterior walls, these framed walls define the boundaries of the house. These walls define the difference between inside and outside. These walls provide support for the trusses, which support the roof, and thereby maintain the difference between wet and dry. 

These walls have two sides to them, the outside which is exposed to the elements and therefore fixed with sheathing, housewrap, and siding; and the inside, which is covered in sheetrock and painted. This perimeter wall which defines the house is filled with windows. 

The two by sixes we addressed originally provide most if not all of their value completely out of sight. Husbands are like these two by sixes. Their value is often not seen from the outside and this is natural and good. They are to cultivate the beauty and glory of their family, not of themselves. 

They have a responsibility to define the boundaries of the family - they establish the difference of inside and outside - their duty of protection and provision is fundamental. Because of the support the walls give to the roof, children in the home are warm and dry instead of cold and wet. 

"A husband has two sides, just like the exterior wall. The side of the wall that faces his family is very much like the other walls of the house. The sheetrock is the same, the texturing is the same, the color of the paint is the same, pictures are hung, and so on. This means that the man of the house is to live with his family as family. The face he presents to them is conducive to the warmth of life together. But unlike the other walls, six inches away from the warmth of the living room is the hard snow or cold rain. And he has to deal with this at the same time. He presents a wall of protective siding to the world and one of warmth to his family."

Many men struggle with the correct ordering of these two very different sides. Some have the hard protective siding facing both ways - they are hard against the world, and hard against their families. I have worked with many men like this in the military, they have become so indoctrinated into their job, they forget that the reason they began to fight in the first place was for their family. They succeed at work, but they lose the reason why they began that work in the first place. They retire and are amiss as to why their families seem as strangers, having been neglected all the while. 

Another type is the modern sensitive male who has sheetrock on both sides. This sheetrock doesn't weather well. These men fall apart during the first storm, and in life there are and will be many storms. His family is left to fend off the elements with little help from him - but at least he is a nice guy right?

The worst however is the man who completely inverses the correct order. He places siding on the inside towards his family and sheetrock against the elements. He is susceptible to every temptation the world will offer him and yet he is resistant to every need and desire of the wife and children to which he has been given responsibility. He protects his own interests FROM his family, and is in love with the world. One often wonders why he ever married in the first place?

Back to the point on the windows in these perimeter walls. Husbands and Fathers are required to teach. The windows in the walls enable those who live within, the pleasure of seeing the world. These windows must allow the family to see the world and what goes on in it, but they must retain the same protective function as the wall they are in. This is something that requires much wisdom - explaining the world to children without exposing them to it. 

Some men under the guise of protecting their children will remove the windows altogether. This is the typical bad example of a homeschooling family doing it wrong. Things are hidden rather than exposed, topics are avoided rather than explained, sins and temptations and deceit are treated as if they don't exist rather than being illuminated by truth. 

Other men let their kids deal with the world without protection and direction, and these are not windows but simply holes in the wall. This is what a family who sends their kids to public school with an outsourcing mentality might fall into. All teaching is outsourced to their teachers, to their peers, to the internet, to social media, and to the whims of modernity. 

The 2x6 man does all of the above rightly and wisely. He provides structural stability to the family, he protects the family from the harsh outside, and provides warmth and love for them. He teaches, filtering the world through the lens of scripture. He is the wood that is meant to be nailed, meant to be fixed, meant to be cut. "And when a saw runs through this kind of wood, the smell - an aroma of sacrifice - is one of the sweetest smells on earth"

Possess Your Vessel

 The horse is prepared for the day of battle, But deliverance is of the Lord 

- Proverbs 21:31- 

Sometimes we hit our stride, we are prepared for what lies ahead - until time gives its vote. Time is one of the great levelers, one of the great testers. Much like pressure can produce diamonds or it can cause explosions - time can prove and validate preparation, or it can reveal a weak will. What does time reveal about you? Are you consistent, and does time prove that? 

The relationship of preparation to time is not one of a graduate degree to a career in higher ed, in which once it is achieved tenure is right down the road - it is more akin to fighting a living and breathing foe, in which case each day you train, he also trains and therefore your perseverance in the day of testing will depend upon your ‘consistent’ preparation. If you stop preparing even for a day, if you cease to train and yet he does not you will surely be struck down in the engagement. Time with preparation is a powerful tool, but time with idleness deteriorates even the strongest.

 We must redeem time for it is Evil - Ephesians 5:16 - 

If we sit by idly we will not be ready for the day of deliverance. That Great War horse will have shaken off his saddle and will have become fragile. 

Do not sit idly assuming the evil that will greet you one day will not require you to have prepared. 

“For this is the Will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in the passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God.” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

Later in this letter Paul goes on to urge the Thessalonians to increase more and more, to aspire to live a quiet life working with their hands, to pray without ceasing, to give thanks in everything, to test all things, holding fast to what is good and abstaining from what is evil. 

This is preparation: ‘without ceasing’ 

This is consistency: ‘test all things’ 

This is the war horse prepared for the Lord to bring Deliverance

Possess your Vessel. 

Mourning

 How do we deal with the aftermath of sin in our lives?

As a man, as a “guy” in line with stereotype, I am prone to think logically and realistically about most things, void of emotion. In fact in my military training I have been taught be void of emotion in certain circumstances because often times it leads to poor decision making - don’t make decisions based off of emotions but based off of the facts. We’ve all heard the adage. 

How do we as men reconcile this tendency of ours? Especially in light of our own sin? If we are truly to view our sin realistically then we should be crippled with emotion, and not so easily stoic as if we are guaranteed a contract of forgiveness. 

Reading in James 4 we find an exhortation in light of this topic : “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. LAMENT and MOURN and WEEP! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.” 

This passage hit me like a brick wall. I am being told to weep. I am being told that my sin should affect (If I am viewing it correctly) me to such an extent that all of my joy is turned to gloom. Not to receive pity from the sight of others, not to be given encouragement from others, but to humble myself, and allow the Lord to do the lifting in his time. 

In the same day I was confronted by this passage in James  I also read from 1 Corinthians and I think it provides guidance on how to actually carry out this gloom that we are charged with having in light of our sin. 

In chapter 7 Paul says that he is not rejoicing because the Corinthians were made sorry, but because their sorrow led to something - it was genuine in that it resulted in something. Repentance. He goes on to say that “Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation” but that “The sorrow of the world produces death.” He knows the Corinthians were sorrowful in a Godly manner because “What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication!” 

So do lament, do weep and do mourn. But do not do so in a worldly manner. Do so in humility and do so for a purpose. Weep and mourn for the sin that is within you in that it would lead to true repentance and salvation, that it would ignite within you a fervor for righteousness, that it would produce within you diligence, and a vehement desire to walk rightly. 

A Prayer For My Son

My dear son Gardner,

I pray to God that you will be strong, and prove yourself a man. 

I pray that you will not be given over to desires and lusts, but that in all things you will exercise self control and restraint. 

I pray you will abide in truth, not fooled by the doctrines of men, not deceived by the workings of this world. 

I pray you will love the Lord your God, and in all that you do you will submit yourself to his will. 

I pray and I implore you, be a man! 

Christian Nationalism

 This topic can become quite a lengthy one to discuss but this post will be shorter and more wave-top in nature. I was given the question recently, "Do you ever feel like scripture/christian communities are being manipulated to achieve political/economic goals?" Within this question was an attached article titled, "Opinion / What Christian Nationalism has done to my state and my faith is a sin". Now I do not have a subscription to the NY Times where that article was posted, so my response lacks a considerable amount of context from the perspective of the questioner, but my response will be to christian nationalism more broadly in the context of the question presented. 

First, saying you are a christian does not make you one. Many people involved in what is commonly labeled 'christian nationalism' are not in-fact christians but rather secularists who give lip-service to the faith. In Matthew we read that many who claim to be Christians will cry out to the Lord and he will say, 'depart from me you workers of lawlessness for I never knew you' Matthew 7:21-23 

So how is a Christian identified as such? By his fruits. A couple of verses earlier in Matthew we read that "A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit... Therefore by their fruits you will know them." Matthew 7:18-20

Let's take this a step further.. what are these fruits? There are numerous places in scripture that we could point to, but I'll just specifically look at Galatians chapter 5 verses 22-25 : "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit."

So this fruit sets us as Christians apart from the rest of the world. We read this in Ephesians where the conduct of the 'New Man' is discussed, "You should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind.. If indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him.. put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:17-24

You are not a Christian just because you say you are. Christians look different from the rest of the World, you can identify them by their fruits, their actions. So my first point is that there needs to be an understanding that not everyone who is involved in the 'christian nationalism' movement is indeed a christian. You cannot take their word for it. 

Are these people mentioned above most likely using scripture for political or economic gain? I would say most likely yes. But in Vain they worship God, teaching as doctrine the commandments of men - Matthew 15:9

Do I pray for our Nation to not become, but return to a Christian Nation? Yes I do. 

Political and economic 'gains' are not mutually exclusive from true Christians either. The Christian faith is indeed one of world conquest. In Matthew 28 Jesus states that ALL authority has been given to him in heaven and on earth, and commands his disciples to "Go therefore, and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you." This making of disciples is not done through political coercion at the state level, but by faithful christians extending their radius of fruitfulness to reach every nation, reaching even to politicians, yes. 

Many serve the Republican Party first and foremost, many serve their affiliations and worldy identifiers/allegiances first and foremost - If any of those are served above God and served above the submission to all of Scripture, yes all of it, even that part that says wives submit to your husbands, or that part where Paul says women should not teach in the church, or that sticky verse that calls us to love our enemies as ourselves, then they serve a different master than Christ. Do not be deceived, God is not mocked - Galations 6:1. Lip-service may work with men, but it does not with the God of all creation. 

Definitions are extremely important, especially in this topic. The first one we've already identified is the definition of what a Christian is in the first place.  The old bumper sticker "God said it - I believe it - That settles it" is wrong. It was settled before you believed it, and you believing it has nothing to do with its truth. The correct order of that phrase is "God said it - That settles it - I believe it" 

All of that before even beginning to define "Christian Nationalism" - That would be the next term requiring a solid definition. 

So in final answer to the original question. Yes many people abuse the faith and scripture for their own personal or political gain - but we must be careful not not lump in those who say they are christians, with those who actually are christians. True christians do pray for the day that every nation would bow and confess Jesus as Lord - and that will look a lot like what people call "Christian Nationalism". - Just without the lanterns and pitchforks. 

Classical Education

 I recently began reading a book titled, "An Experiment in Liberty" by George Grant. This book speaks in great length and detail about America's path to independence. As the author goes about the rich work of setting the stage for the Revolutionary War he spends time on several important figures in our Nation's history. Men such as Cotton Mather, George Whitefield, Jonathan Edwards, John Quincy Adams, George Washington, General Wolfe (who disembarked 3,500 British regulars from naval ships into row boats and with muffled oars snuck past the watch over the St. Lawrence river to arrive in the rear of the city of Quebec, attacking it at daylight. Today, in our ever-more capable military, you cannot even conduct small boat training unless every marine has passed an advanced swim qualification and received a certificate that has been uploaded into a computer database. The handicaps on our employment and capabilities are self-made and severe. At the center of it lies risk adverse commanders and political leaders who fabricate requirements not for the lethality of our men but to save themselves from blame should something go wrong. But I have long sense digressed!), and many others. As you read about these men it becomes very clear that they were educated in a much different manner than we are today. As we see religion flee from our schools and our education we also see a gradual breakdown in the fabric of our 'experiment in liberty'. John Adams is quoted saying, "Statesmen may plan and speculate for liberty, but it is Religion and Morality alone, which can establish the Principles upon which Freedom can securely stand". Where did these men go? Where are our nation's leaders who think like Adams? The answer is we don't educate men to think like Adams as we used to.

G.K. Chesterton said, "The great intellectual tradition that comes down to us from the past was never interrupted or lost through such trifles as the sack of Rome, the triumph of Attila, or all the barbarian invasions of the Dark Ages. It was lost after... the coming of the marvels of technology, the establishment of universal education, and all the enlightenment of the modern world. And thus was lost-or impatiently snapped-the long thin delicate thread that had descended from distant antiquity; the thread of that unusual human hobby: the habit of thinking."

George Grant notes that the type of education in the time of these men was not merely pointed at the object of the accumulation of knowledge - as much is today (if you could even call it that). Instead it was aimed at equipping an entire generation of leaders with 'the necessary tools to exercise discernment, discretion, and discipline in their lives and over their callings.'

In other words we are taught today 'what to think' while generations of men in our past were taught 'how to think'.  

Ice Age

 Profound knowledge from Sid the Sloth in the movie Ice Age!

As we sat in the car line at the DMV this week we put on Ice Age for the girls to watch as we knew our wait might last over an hour. Meghan and I listened to the movie partly through our conversation in the front seat and it was nearing the end when Diego, the sabertooth cat exclaims, "Lets take this shortcut". Sid the sloth takes one look at the icy hole in the glacier and replies simply, "No, I choose life."

I remarked to Meghan about how wise that line is. When we are confronted with sin, and a temptation to take a shortcut to love, a shortcut to wealth, a shortcut to happiness, we should recognize the darkness ahead and simply say, 'No, I choose life'. 

We have treated sin so apathetically that we don't see everyday choices as decisions of life or death, but they most assuredly are. 

26 January - USS Bataan

 This is a snip from my personal journal as I was floating on the USS Bataan during a MEU exercise in January. 

"Finished the book, 'The Ugly American' today. It was an excellent book about thinking realistically, practically, and creatively to solve international problems. Fires that bit inside me that yearns for adventure and travel. But I believe in my soul, I am a family man. What good is an adventure if you can't take your family along with you?"

While I was on the Bataan I made the decision that Meghan and I will be getting out of the military following the upcoming deployment. I will likely write more on this decision at a later time but I think the above excerpt from my journal will suffice for now. It is time we start an adventure as a family. 

May we aspire to live a quiet life, minding our own business, and working with our hands. 1 Thessalonians 4:11

May we rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and in everything give thanks. This is the will of God. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16

IOC Journal #5

Adaptation is the law that governs survival in war. 

The role of the platoon commander is to be at the point of influence. "Where is the place no one else wants to go" Seek the place of darkness and bring light to the situation. 

This range provided a good example of what the standard is for your platoon sergeant. As good as you make them, or as bad as you let them. 

Preparation is a way of life. It does not stop.. what are you preparing for? This mentality has to be infectious and in everything you do. We prepare for combat. 

Be humble before the magnitude of preparing our Marines for combat, for killing. 

John Adams letter to his wife "We cannot be certain of victory but we can be deserving of victory". Make platoons that can deliver that promise. Prepare for war.  

IOC Journal #4 - Chaos Night

**Background - Chaos night is something every student in IOC knows is coming, but doesn’t know when and doesn’t know what it consists of. You could say it almost takes the form of legend. Mine came after a long wet and cold week of living and fighting in the mud. It started by awakening to the sound of canisters of CS gas popping as they flew through the windows of the building we had occupied. It ended many hours and many miles away, but we all learned something about ourselves that night. **

The following are scribbles from my notebook after the night ended. 

 " Do I deserve to lead these Marines?"

Chaos Night - Cold, Hunger, Tired, CS Gas, Weight .. After a week of freezing rain and living in the mud. 

What did these factors do to my ability to help others?

How much more unwilling were we to do what needed to be done?

Near peer threat will not look like a cookie cutter range, it will look more like chaos.

This event is designed to show you what darkness really looks like. 

Preparation vs. Anticipation:

What did we do to prepare, not just anticipate.

I need you to sere this into your souls - when you lose Marines in combat the only way you sleep at night is to look in the mirror and know you did everything in your power to prepare them. 

What did you need from a leader going through this situation? "The will of the leader" The only thing a unit has in chaos is the will of the leader. Be a lion, it is all about will. 

IOC Journal #3

Pleased but never satisfied, strive for perfection, settle for excellence. 

We say "70% solution" but we always strive for the 100% anyway and are slower. 

**Using lasers to mark, without showing yourself to a near peer threat**

 **Batteries drain quickly in cold weather, do rehearsals on switching batteries in optics and gear. We can't afford to lose time on the little things**

When people say things like, "This is just how we do things.." you say "No".

Rommel said "There is no country worse at the beginning of a war, and better at the end than America" -Prepare for the next one. 

PTDG - Physical Tactical Decision Game

Not everyone in your platoon will be comfortable with interpersonal violence. It is your job to make them comfortable. In garrison they bleed but in combat they will win. 

IOC Journal #2

 Post a live fire range from Capt. Dickey:

Grit: courage and resolve - strength of character -> Noun

Verb-> Clench your teeth to keep resolve when faced with a difficult duty. 

In the infantry you have to have GRIT, its the start. And its the officer who needs that. Rommel never went to sleep before his men. There are reports of him being so sleep deprived he fell off his horse.

The German Army in WWII were outgunned by the French but beat them anyway. Blitzkreig worked because a German Division stayed awake for 72 hours. The French rushed to defend a small mountain town as it was the key to Blitzkreig. The personal example of the officer to continue cannot be overstated.

 Lt Clifton B Kates platoon commander in WWI Belleau Wood - Where the IOC emblem comes from. He became company commander by blood. "I will Hold" he and 22 men survive the night, seizes a town and secures a victory at Belleau Wood. Infantry, we are the lifeblood. 

Takeaway - Leaders sleep last, eat last, and look out for the men, not themselves. Time to stop thinking about yourself. You will never be comfortable again, while you wear this rank, and that is a privilege. 

IOC Journal #1

 I have been meaning to do this for over a year now. During my schooling I always kept two notebooks in my pockets - regardless what training we were doing. One tan notebook for technical and tactical formal instruction, and one green notebook for field training notes. 

My intention is to re-read through all of these notebooks, and pull out anything I can that may be worth passing on. If anything just remember what I learned and what I was going through at the time. Hopefully there will be some leadership lessons, some points on mental toughness, and on persevering adversity. 

Girls, I pray that one day you will marry a man who's hands are calloused from work and whose mind is calloused against the world. 

Gardner, any other son's that God Willing we will have in the future, I pray that you will be that man. 

May what I wrote in my notes while during my time in TBS, Infantry officer course, Sniper Course, and the intel schools teach you even a small fraction of what I learned there.

All of the following IOC Journals may lack a bit of context (I will try to provide it with some background if needed) and will not flow like a normal excerpt of writing. They are all taken verbatim from the scribbles and writings in my notebooks. Many will be quotes from instructors, many will be my own thoughts or those of my peers. 

Entry 1:

 "Losers say things like, 'I did my best' the expectation is to win, not just to do your best."

Therefore, prepare ruthlessly. Decide, communicate, and act in uncertain environments. Win without compromising your integrity and honor.

Mistakes should be from bold aggressiveness not indecision or incompetence. 

Prep For Combat: 

Nutrition, hydration, study, rehearsals, physical conditioning, research

Prep for combat is decisive

If you don't do it you will lose. 

You cannot just survive... What will happen on your 87th Day?

There will always be consequences for violating time. 

Fear of failure will haunt you as long as you wear this green cloth. And if you let it, it will paralyze you. Mental and physical toughness gets us through the human factors, this is pain masking - not for you, for the Marines you will lead in the future. 

Weighted List

 I met with Brian O'day this week to discuss the decision I am trying to make. Brian is an elder at Pillar Church of Jacksonville where we are members and is the Executive Director of the Praetorian Project. He also served as an officer in the Marine Corps for ten years and got out to pursue ministry vocationally just when he was up for promotion to Major. 

He gave me some good things to think about. First he stressed that I may be overlooking the transition process and the administrative strain that it is to actually get papers and leave the military (final physical exams, check out procedures, etc..), next he advised that Meghan stay in Jacksonville during the deployment, that it is important for me to have a home to come back to after being gone for half a year. Next he made the point that Men were made to go out, kill something, and bring it home. This was to say that by nature men leave the home, do work, and return to the home. He has seen many men leave the military to move back home and settle for any desk job and begin to crumble away inside. This was a point that I was wary about. I completely understand what he is saying, and in many ways I resinate with it. It is not a bad thing to have pride in what you do. But I would say it is a sign of misplaced priority to only have pride in what you do, and not who you do it for and why. The who and the why can be accomplished in almost any vocation. This illuminates the potential that your pride is in yourself, and how you look to others, and how you feel, and not what you are doing for others through your vocation. The point above can get sticky, all that to say I took it with reservations. I think if you change your framework, "going out and killing something" can be as simple as making a sell to a client and bringing home a little extra for your family. Killing it can simply be coming home to the sweet aroma of your wife's cooking and kids laughter after a good days work. 

Brian encouraged me to write a weighted Pro-Con list. He said pick two things: 1- Why would I get out of the Marine Corps in March of 2024 and 2-Why would I stay in the Marine Corps for two more years after deployment. 

Then write out three to five reasons, in which you could stand up and wholeheartedly say, this is the reason I am making this decision. Once those have been written, put a weight to them, a percentage. Brian and his wife have done this with many decisions and found that upon looking at the results the decision is usually quite clear. 

Here is what I came up with. 

Why would I leave the Marine Corps in March of 2024?

1. (60%) So we as a family can put down roots -  Church, community, relationships, physical land/home, etc
• Can we do this if we stay in? No.. well yes it will just be delayed by two years. 
2. (30%)So we can live close to family (Meghan's Mom and Dad, my sister, my Grandmother)
• Can we do this if we stay in? No.. delayed by two years. 
3. (10%)To start building/saving for a family business
• Can we do this if we stay in? Saving yes, building no - at least it would be delayed.

Why would I stay in the Marine Corps for at least two more years after Deployment?

1. (35%) To have more time to intentionally transition out of the Marine Corps (Find a job, home, and have two years to do so with steady pay/health care)
• Can we do this if we get out right away? No - it will be rushed, however we do have a free place to stay should everything not line up right away. 
2. (30%)To have a teaching job and give back before getting out (This by the way is not guaranteed to happen)
• Can I do this if we get out right away? No - however all my experience is not lost, it will be brought into whatever job I do, I just won't be giving back and teaching Marines. 
3. (35%)Because I like being a Marine Officer and have pride in what I do. 
• What happens to this if I get out right away? Won't ever lead Marines again, will need to change my framework. 

This was a helpful tool - I think I found that my three reason surrounding why I would leave are family oriented, and my three reasons for staying another two years are mostly inwardly oriented. Meghan and I have always told eachother family will take priority in the decisions we make over jobs, finances, etc. These are not all mutually exclusive, obviously the job I have effects my family. 

I believe I am left with much to consider still - I am now thinking mostly about if we need to rush into exiting the military or if it is wiser to wait two years to get our affairs more in order. 

I am going on ship for two and a half weeks starting this Sunday and Meghan and I have decided that a final decision will be due when I get back. 

To Leave, or Not to Leave

 For a while now I have been struggling and grappling with the decision to get out of the Military. I have days or even weeks when I am sure, and then likewise have days or weeks when I doubt my surety. 

The greatest problem I have as I try to think about this is that I'm not comparing one item to one other item, I am comparing possibilities to possibilities. This makes a true and valuable comparison infinitely more complicated and difficult. - I'm not just comparing being in the military to being out of the military, how could I do that when staying in could land me in 50 different states, doing a handful of different duties, working all sorts of different hours. The same could be said of a life in the civilian world, I have an idea of where we would want to put down roots, but without a job coinciding that is about all it amounts to. I could find work doing the same plethora of different duties, working again the same gambit of differing hours. There are no sureties. Either decision I make will not result in X. The decision will result in A-Z, and how can you compare A-Z with A-Z other than to look back and say "wow, 26... that's a lot" ?

The premise of a book that Todd gave me a long time ago is that we do not need to search in order to discover "God's hidden will for our lives". God makes it plain in his infallible word that his will for my life is to worship him, to love others, and to lead my family to also worship him. In other words, my decision isn't as important as what I do with it is - much wisdom is required to discern wether one of the decisions above, again with a wide array of actual day to day possibilities, better facilities a faithful life. 

Let's contabulate so we have something to stand on. This is how I currently view each option.

Military: I will get back from deployment in January or February of 2024. I will make Captain right away or sometime soon after that time - Side note the security of that pay raise - and either get an MOI job at an NROTC unit (I would preference Lawrence Kansas at KU but it is only a preference and I could be sent to any state that has a unit, yes that includes California), or take the position as the instructor at GIOC making new ground intel officers in Dam Neck - (Fairly certain I could get this as I have a reference from a previous instructor and previous CO of the Schoolhouse), or remain in Camp Lejuene and work somewhere in intelligence. Those are the immediate options I see for staying in. All of these are out of the Fleet Marine Force and would essentially be guaranteed to not deploy, and guaranteed to make it home for dinner, not miss Birthday's, Anniversary, Christmas etc. They pay would be good, the benefits remain very desirable especially as we plan to try to have more children, and I would be working a job that I feel is fulfilling and adding value. 

Pause before a quick synopsis of life outside the military - It is worth noting that I also have a wife, and I have children, and these children have grandparents. Meghan has become very fond of the idea of growing food for our family to include meat and dairy, I desperately want to give her this ability and help her in this pursuit. It is something our kids will benefit from greatly not just in terms of health but in responsibility as they grow and inherit chores, and in wisdom as they learn the lessons that are so easily taught through gardening, planting, harvesting, and caring for livestock. This desire is possible in each decision however would be most easily attainable if we were to put down roots in Missouri. Meghan also as not felt very connected her in Jacksonville. Now we are not the type to have several close friends, Meghan and I have always kept our circles small and have been content with that, but that being said for her to say she is not feeling connected here still imputes a very small circle. How much of this is our stage of life having small children and devoting all of our time to childrearing I do not know, someone who has been through this stage would need to answer that. All that being said, I know Meghan has close friends in Missouri - she has Paige and Morgan, not to mention her Mother and Aunt, not to mention settling down roots somewhere provides the environment to make connections in a way that simply doesn't exist when you live in a transient community where everyone knows they will be picking up and moving in three years. Our children obviously are a major factor in mind right now. I believe largely that my presence at home will be similar regardless the decision, if anything starting a new profession in the civilian world might require more time from me as I learn a new trade - I also do not know the demands of corporate world should I chose that route. I do believe children will do best with roots, and a transient childhood in the military makes that difficult. That brings to mind, if I know I will get out at some point then should it just be now, should we prolong the inevitable? It is smart to stay in until I actually have a job, and spend another three years in a teaching billet in order to square away those details? . Another factor is family. If we want to live close to grandparents, Missouri is where we need to be. How important is this? We want our children to know their grandparents, and they do even as we live in North Carolina and they visit periodically throughout the year. Visits and doing regular life together however are two very different things. Is doing regular life together desireable? I can very easily picture a scenario in which we live close to grandparents and see them just as much as we do now, but is the fact that "we could see them in an hours notice" what makes the difference? 

I also don't just want to make the decision to "Leave" I want to make the decision to "Go" somewhere specific for a specific reason and I want leaving to be a byproduct of that decision. This is my largest delimma - I do not "feel a calling" to a specific vocation outside of the military. I am interested in being a husband and a father, in attending a healthy church where I can be discipled, and in growing something tangible to hand to my children one day - The job didn't fall into that anywhere and I am upset that it doesn't. I spoke with a friend who is sure he is getting out at his earliest opportunity and the reason he can be so sure is because there is something he specifically wants to do. He has a passion to be an EMS first responder and so it is an easy choice for him to go towards what he is passionate about. I feel it strange to say but I really am at a loss of a vocationally passion. I feel that I could work any job and be satisfied, and while I type that I also know it not to be true. And while I type that I think of how self centered of me that is to need something more than an average job. It becomes quite circular even as I put my thoughts to a computer screen. 

Returning...

Out of the Military: Without question this would entail moving back to missouri, trying to find a house with a little bit of land to homestead on, likely attending Christ Church Leavenworth, working a regular job, and hoping to save up to start a business on our land (of which Meghan and I have many ideas). Now this dream is not negated by staying in the military, just postponed. So Missouri it is, somewhere outside of Kansas City. Job? Potential of working for SRS Distributions as I have a connection with Kent Gardner the President and he has told me he will have a job for me after my deployment (Doing what? for what pay? where?... Those are excellent questions, you're starting to sound like me.) Potential to work for Beacon Roofing, Meghan's Mom speaks highly of the company and said I would easily be able to find employment there. Something utilizing my clearance? doesn't exist outside of virginia (not actually true but very scarce) Law enforcement? something I have considered, I would enjoy the work and the potential to work my way up to the office of Sheriff and have the ability to make a political difference in a community for the better. There are just so many options I cannot continue on this topic. If I could only just have an X to use to compare with the military, and X complete with a dollar amount of pay, and hourly schedule and benefits breakdown, then I could really start doing some comparing. How can I compare when I have all of these options? I have no idea if getting out will give me more time with my family or less? Will it have less stress or will I be bringing my work home with me more often then I even do now?

Lets not gloss over this fact: I work with exclusively Men. I am not ever put in compromising positions, and I never have to watch what I say for fear of being let go. I work in an organization where blunt and honest saves lives and is the preferred speech. I don't come home thinking about the bottom-line or customer satisfaction. 

With the flooring laid and a common understanding of each decision before me. What do I do?  I need wisdom in this. 

Lord grant me discerning mind. Grant me wisdom as I make this decision. I am a sinner, and my impulses and desires are not even known to me. Make my motives pure. Make my motives righteous. Lord help me to prioritize what you actually demand of me in your word. As I seek out a decision may my worship of you be at the forefront, may my ability to lead my family to you be at the forefront. Lord make plain to me foolish desire and foolish assumption. Guide my paths and lead me to understanding in this. Lord give me the strength to give up ideas about my families future that are ungodly, or that are misguided. Give me the strength to make the right decision and not the popular decision. Lord prepare a way for me that I might walk a straight path. Lord I pray for all of these things, and I ask wisdom would be granted. I pray that your will would be done. Amen.