To Leave, or Not to Leave

 For a while now I have been struggling and grappling with the decision to get out of the Military. I have days or even weeks when I am sure, and then likewise have days or weeks when I doubt my surety. 

The greatest problem I have as I try to think about this is that I'm not comparing one item to one other item, I am comparing possibilities to possibilities. This makes a true and valuable comparison infinitely more complicated and difficult. - I'm not just comparing being in the military to being out of the military, how could I do that when staying in could land me in 50 different states, doing a handful of different duties, working all sorts of different hours. The same could be said of a life in the civilian world, I have an idea of where we would want to put down roots, but without a job coinciding that is about all it amounts to. I could find work doing the same plethora of different duties, working again the same gambit of differing hours. There are no sureties. Either decision I make will not result in X. The decision will result in A-Z, and how can you compare A-Z with A-Z other than to look back and say "wow, 26... that's a lot" ?

The premise of a book that Todd gave me a long time ago is that we do not need to search in order to discover "God's hidden will for our lives". God makes it plain in his infallible word that his will for my life is to worship him, to love others, and to lead my family to also worship him. In other words, my decision isn't as important as what I do with it is - much wisdom is required to discern wether one of the decisions above, again with a wide array of actual day to day possibilities, better facilities a faithful life. 

Let's contabulate so we have something to stand on. This is how I currently view each option.

Military: I will get back from deployment in January or February of 2024. I will make Captain right away or sometime soon after that time - Side note the security of that pay raise - and either get an MOI job at an NROTC unit (I would preference Lawrence Kansas at KU but it is only a preference and I could be sent to any state that has a unit, yes that includes California), or take the position as the instructor at GIOC making new ground intel officers in Dam Neck - (Fairly certain I could get this as I have a reference from a previous instructor and previous CO of the Schoolhouse), or remain in Camp Lejuene and work somewhere in intelligence. Those are the immediate options I see for staying in. All of these are out of the Fleet Marine Force and would essentially be guaranteed to not deploy, and guaranteed to make it home for dinner, not miss Birthday's, Anniversary, Christmas etc. They pay would be good, the benefits remain very desirable especially as we plan to try to have more children, and I would be working a job that I feel is fulfilling and adding value. 

Pause before a quick synopsis of life outside the military - It is worth noting that I also have a wife, and I have children, and these children have grandparents. Meghan has become very fond of the idea of growing food for our family to include meat and dairy, I desperately want to give her this ability and help her in this pursuit. It is something our kids will benefit from greatly not just in terms of health but in responsibility as they grow and inherit chores, and in wisdom as they learn the lessons that are so easily taught through gardening, planting, harvesting, and caring for livestock. This desire is possible in each decision however would be most easily attainable if we were to put down roots in Missouri. Meghan also as not felt very connected her in Jacksonville. Now we are not the type to have several close friends, Meghan and I have always kept our circles small and have been content with that, but that being said for her to say she is not feeling connected here still imputes a very small circle. How much of this is our stage of life having small children and devoting all of our time to childrearing I do not know, someone who has been through this stage would need to answer that. All that being said, I know Meghan has close friends in Missouri - she has Paige and Morgan, not to mention her Mother and Aunt, not to mention settling down roots somewhere provides the environment to make connections in a way that simply doesn't exist when you live in a transient community where everyone knows they will be picking up and moving in three years. Our children obviously are a major factor in mind right now. I believe largely that my presence at home will be similar regardless the decision, if anything starting a new profession in the civilian world might require more time from me as I learn a new trade - I also do not know the demands of corporate world should I chose that route. I do believe children will do best with roots, and a transient childhood in the military makes that difficult. That brings to mind, if I know I will get out at some point then should it just be now, should we prolong the inevitable? It is smart to stay in until I actually have a job, and spend another three years in a teaching billet in order to square away those details? . Another factor is family. If we want to live close to grandparents, Missouri is where we need to be. How important is this? We want our children to know their grandparents, and they do even as we live in North Carolina and they visit periodically throughout the year. Visits and doing regular life together however are two very different things. Is doing regular life together desireable? I can very easily picture a scenario in which we live close to grandparents and see them just as much as we do now, but is the fact that "we could see them in an hours notice" what makes the difference? 

I also don't just want to make the decision to "Leave" I want to make the decision to "Go" somewhere specific for a specific reason and I want leaving to be a byproduct of that decision. This is my largest delimma - I do not "feel a calling" to a specific vocation outside of the military. I am interested in being a husband and a father, in attending a healthy church where I can be discipled, and in growing something tangible to hand to my children one day - The job didn't fall into that anywhere and I am upset that it doesn't. I spoke with a friend who is sure he is getting out at his earliest opportunity and the reason he can be so sure is because there is something he specifically wants to do. He has a passion to be an EMS first responder and so it is an easy choice for him to go towards what he is passionate about. I feel it strange to say but I really am at a loss of a vocationally passion. I feel that I could work any job and be satisfied, and while I type that I also know it not to be true. And while I type that I think of how self centered of me that is to need something more than an average job. It becomes quite circular even as I put my thoughts to a computer screen. 

Returning...

Out of the Military: Without question this would entail moving back to missouri, trying to find a house with a little bit of land to homestead on, likely attending Christ Church Leavenworth, working a regular job, and hoping to save up to start a business on our land (of which Meghan and I have many ideas). Now this dream is not negated by staying in the military, just postponed. So Missouri it is, somewhere outside of Kansas City. Job? Potential of working for SRS Distributions as I have a connection with Kent Gardner the President and he has told me he will have a job for me after my deployment (Doing what? for what pay? where?... Those are excellent questions, you're starting to sound like me.) Potential to work for Beacon Roofing, Meghan's Mom speaks highly of the company and said I would easily be able to find employment there. Something utilizing my clearance? doesn't exist outside of virginia (not actually true but very scarce) Law enforcement? something I have considered, I would enjoy the work and the potential to work my way up to the office of Sheriff and have the ability to make a political difference in a community for the better. There are just so many options I cannot continue on this topic. If I could only just have an X to use to compare with the military, and X complete with a dollar amount of pay, and hourly schedule and benefits breakdown, then I could really start doing some comparing. How can I compare when I have all of these options? I have no idea if getting out will give me more time with my family or less? Will it have less stress or will I be bringing my work home with me more often then I even do now?

Lets not gloss over this fact: I work with exclusively Men. I am not ever put in compromising positions, and I never have to watch what I say for fear of being let go. I work in an organization where blunt and honest saves lives and is the preferred speech. I don't come home thinking about the bottom-line or customer satisfaction. 

With the flooring laid and a common understanding of each decision before me. What do I do?  I need wisdom in this. 

Lord grant me discerning mind. Grant me wisdom as I make this decision. I am a sinner, and my impulses and desires are not even known to me. Make my motives pure. Make my motives righteous. Lord help me to prioritize what you actually demand of me in your word. As I seek out a decision may my worship of you be at the forefront, may my ability to lead my family to you be at the forefront. Lord make plain to me foolish desire and foolish assumption. Guide my paths and lead me to understanding in this. Lord give me the strength to give up ideas about my families future that are ungodly, or that are misguided. Give me the strength to make the right decision and not the popular decision. Lord prepare a way for me that I might walk a straight path. Lord I pray for all of these things, and I ask wisdom would be granted. I pray that your will would be done. Amen.